Peeps, I’m at this horrible crossroads of a dilemma I’ve faced for so many years now. I’ve had this dream for so long of being published. I’ve written countless words, countless chapters of lives existing in their own worlds, entire personalities cultivated over years of practice. I’ve spent hours spilling thoughts onto so many different keyboards, beating the letters clean off the keys. And through it all, one trend has emerged, one undeniable, dream destroying trend.
I hate all of it.
My most recent endeavor that I’ve mentioned here in the past was a novel that ran to 35,000 words. (is that even a novel?) It was a work of negativity that viewed the world through a nihilistic, very broken man obsessed with suicide. It also touched on the subject of the duality of man. It was short and my biggest problem was the introduction of an antagonist that was not really required. Long story short: its fallen under the same umbrella as the rest of the stories I’ve written. I hate it now.
I don’t know why I’ve come to hate all of my work, but the one thing I’ve noticed is that this blog is apart from that. I love Ability Points. I wouldn’t change a word of it. I know I’ve been kind of inactive recently, but its been a real soul searching time for me. It tends to feel that way a lot, lately. I’m trying to force myself to come to terms with the idea that I won’t be a published novelist because its not what I really want. Its a dream, akin to wanting super powers. Its something I wish I could do, but I just, obviously, don’t have it in me. Couple that with my attempt to change jobs irl and I’ve got a full plate of considerations at the moment.
So I started thinking about what it is that draws me to blogging over writing novels, and I think I may have figured it out. Just like the video games I love, (the very reason I started blogging in the first place) I’m able to be myself in the blog. In games like Minecraft and Skyrim I’m able to play the way I want to, and be the character I most want to be. It doesn’t fall on me to create the entire universe, only to operate within it. And I enjoy that.
I’ve also found that I have a general lack of attention when it comes to big projects. To refer to Skyrim once more, I tend to restart before I hit level 40 all too often. (I mention these two games particularly because they are easily among my favorites.) Its possible that I’ve adapted my thinking to this new age we live in, one of instant gratification, and that has affected my writing. For example: I hate videos and articles that take too long to get to the point sometimes (unless I like the writer). A big pet peeve is a YouTube video with 45 seconds of title cards before we get to the good stuff. I also used to be a big fan of documentaries on TV, but watching them now is painful. “Forty-five minutes?! This could have been done on YouTube in ten!” I scream often, and to no one in particular.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that writing, for me, is an outlet. Its a calming exercise and a gateway to the inner recesses of my mind, but if I spend too long on it, I tend to lose interest. Writing a book, to me, takes far more patience than I can muster. I don’t even like the idea of participating in those months where you blog once a day (Blaugust?). Its a hard won realization, but an important one.
So that’s where I stand in my personal life at the moment. We are all on this awesome quest of discovery, constantly questioning who we are, what our purpose is, and where we are going to eat for lunch tomorrow. That is the message I wanted to convey in that book. Well, not so much the part about lunch, but you get the idea. There’s a interesting lyric in the song Kitchen Sink by Twenty One Pilots:
Yeah, my writing is worthless. No one is going to pay me for my ranting and ravings, but I find my own purpose in it. There is something in every character I’ve ever written that came from within me. There’s more to my machinations than meets the eye. And for that, for all the disgust I have with previous works, I see the purpose in them. I see reflections of myself in ways I wouldn’t be able to see them otherwise. And here, on Ability Points, where I’m not hiding behind a character, I get to know myself better with every word I type.